No habla ingles???

I woke up this fine morning to see that the world had in fact not come to an end.  Birds were chirping, the sun was shining, and my obese black cat has been shitting.

No, no, not in the LITTER BOX.  Not in the litter box that I religiously slave over while fumes of ammonia threaten to blind me.  No, rather randomly, in the dining room on his favorite piece of carpet.

If he were to just be able to speak English, I feel like I could reason with him.  "Look Cat, if it weren't for me you wouldn't have anything to shit.  You'd probably be decomposing on some street in Burbank at this very moment."

"You're right.  I just have such low self esteem these days.  I'm so over weight, I can barely lick my own ass anymore."

"Well thank you for sharing!  I had no idea this was a self esteem issue.  I'm so sorry.  I feel partially responsible.  It was like a kitty buffet around here for awhile."

"It was.  And I know my lack of control is my own fault.  But when you brought that younger, cuter kitten in, I just lost it.  Who am I if I'm not the dominant cat in this household?  So, I ate my feelings."

"But that doesn't justify the piles of stinking doo I find IN THE DINING ROOM.  Isn't it instinct to cover your waste?!?!?"

"I know, I know, I'm ashamed.  I'm in this self deprecating phase in my life..."

Sadly, I will never know if this is indeed how my obese cat feels.  Instead I must play this guessing game.  I've purchased another, larger litter box (as I said he's gotten hippier in his old age), I've been more diligent about scooping, I purchased pheromone spray and a pheromone collar to help relax him if this is due to anxiety, I've taken the poo from the floor (gag btw), allowed him to smell it, then placed it in the litter box.  Is he trying to humiliate me??!?!?!

I've had dreams about this fat cat suddenly turning to me and uttering a sentence.  At this point I'd be okay with him speaking Japanese.  JUST HELP ME OUT A LITTLE BIT!