Ok so I'm weird and I make faces and I talk shit about people. I am blunt and I burp louder than any member of the male species. I only wash my hair once a week and wear dirty clothes that I pulled out of my hamper. I have a mouth that would make a sailor cry and I have a dirtier mind than any perv I've ever met, but come on. I'm a catch!
I have bangs, I am really funny, I look great in fake glasses, and I'm working on my tan and my bod so...
And I mean, I only talk shit about people who deserve to be talked shit about. What's so wrong with that?
But so often, I get looked over or blown off or just freaking misunderstood because of all of these things and ya know what? I am just so sick of it.
Look at all the crazy whacky women of the world:
Lisa Lampanelli, Alexi Wasser, Fran Drescher, Lucille Ball, my friend Connie Garcia, Chelsea Handler and characters like Natalie Portman's in Garden State. They are are hilarious and hell, Id date them.
Who wants to be with "normal, nice" girls? they're boring!
Id rather have a girl who tells raunchy jokes and has good hair cook me dinner than some goody-two-shoes who's idea of a cuss word is "crap" hold my hand.
Come on!
I mean who's really out there trying to snag a girl like Amy Adams or Taylor Swift??
And so what if I have a mean sense of humor and I think stereotype jokes are funny and I get grossed out by fat people and I laugh at lesser fortunate people in ridiculous outfits. I'm a good person. I would go to the ends of the Earth for the people I care about. I will show up at your door at 2am with Pepto if you mentioned you have a stomach ache. I will buy you that little knick knack for no other reason than it reminded me of you. I will send you pix of me and my dog when you're having a bad day. I will make you a sandwich. I will remember your birthday without the help of Facebook. I will make you something really cool in pottery class. I will tell you you have a booger in your nose or food in your teeth or that you look really stupid in that outfit. That's what real friends do. I'm a great friend and a great girlfriend and I'm actually very thoughtful and selfless when it comes to people I like/love/care about. It's the rest of the world I could give two fucks and a middle finger about. Is that so bad?
I am fun and I want to go on a hike or a bike ride with you. I want to go run through the sprinklers and do cartwheels in the middle of the street with you. I want to have a BBQ and go dancing and karaoke-ing with you. I'm more than just a dinner and a movie girl. BORING! Let's paint each other's toes in a park and get dressed up in our old prom clothes and go pump gas. WHATEVER! I don't care! Cuz I'm freaking awesome.
I know this, my friends know this, why can't everyone just freaking figure it out?! Im so sick of it.
I think the world needs to just relax, lose weight, stop wearing clothes that obviously should be burned and learn how to take a freaking joke! All of the times I've gotten misunderstood and/or written off as just a mean hateful bitch, I've gone through the whole 'stop and rethink yourself, maybe you are and you do need to change' bs and you know what? FUCK THAT!
This is me.
I've been this way for 29 years and I aint changin' any time soon!
Nor do I want to! I like who I am, even if I am a bitch.
And maybe I'll always be misunderstood, but only by the types of people I don't care about anyway.
So to the rest of the uptight, boring-ass, goody-two-shoes, fat, ugly world, I am funny, you're not, and I'm sick of you!
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