I'm good. I'm gone.

What is up with guys these days? and when I say "these days" I mean since the beginning of time.

Over the past several months, I had been "seeing" this guy (I put that in quotations because I think you have to actually see the person in order to call it "seeing someone", right?) anyway,

let's flash back a little...

several months back, Dude started contacting me. He seemed like a cool guy, bandmate of a friend, cute enough, funny, artistic, and hell, he was into me so that's a major plus! I was getting texts on a daily basis, even when he was playing shows at SXSW in Texas! He wanted me to come over almost every night, he came up with cute ideas like baking brownies together and going hiking. He'd slow dance with me in his dining room with no music playing, brought up taking me to Disneyland (my weakness) and even said things like "You're fun, I enjoy spending time with you, and I havent met someone I enjoy spending time with like that in a long, long time." ...yea I remember that verbatim because I was like, SWOON!

It was all so awesome. I felt so happy and alive. I loved his friends, my friends loved him, he loved them. I found myself missing him when we were apart, and I even got an "I miss you" from him. My personal telltale to whether or not I really like a guy is if I find myself staring at him, especially when he's asleep. No, not in a creepy, Single White Female kind of way. More like an 'awww he's so fucking cute, my heart is skipping beats' kind of way. Anyway, I totally liked him. You know that feeling when you just start spending time with someone and you're both having so much fun and you just want to freeze those moments and live there forever? It was like that for the first month or so. AWESOME!

And let's just clarify this now. It definitely was not just a booty call. This much I know.

Anyway, it all seemed great, wonderful, birds, hearts, rainbows... WOOPS!

Just around the one month mark, the texts stopped, the invites ended, and well the sex... um, let's just say, I was left very confused. It all happened literally overnight.

Of course, when something like this happens, it is natural to step back and think to yourself, 'what the fuck did I do? what'd I say? Did I miss a stray hair somewhere or fucking fart in my sleep?? '. I drove myself crazy wondering what I did, coming up with theories, asking my poor friends for their advice and opinions and even shedding several tears over the thought of it all being over and 

me having no idea why.

But then, we'd get together and POOF! All was fine again. He'd hold my hand, cuddle, kiss me, snuggle, just like month 1. This bipolar, good one day, bad the next week behavior became more regular than not and I was not too keen on the new "us". However, I decided to play the part of the cool girl who wasn't bothered by the fact that she probably wouldn't hear from you for several days or more after she walked out your door. But let's be honest, how long could that go on?

Of course I was starting to believe the probability of the fact that he was 'just not that into me' and I should just get the hint, but my friends (and his- mutual) seemed pretty convinced that he was, but that he was just scared and had his own personal emotional issues. Since this was what I wanted to believe, I continued to put in effort, despite his pretty shitty shut downs. ie:

me: hey I found out I'm off early tonight... come over and I'll make dinner.

him: that sounds nice but I have to work at 7am tomorrow 

and driving from my place to yours and back sounds stressful.

OUCH! 

You'd think Id throw in the towel then, but no.

I waited a good week, he left town, I heard not a word, he came back, I shot him a Facebook comment (harmless) we had a good comment sesh, IM chats, and even got some texting in! Progress! 

Ok, now back to current day...

So, this past Saturday, after much frustration and 'what the fuck is going on-ing', trying to Angela Lansbury the situation and failing at solving the mystery, I gave in. You could also say I hit my wit's end and started to get really fucking pissed off at the one day you like me, one day you don't bullshit!

I was sick (yes, caught it from him and no, he couldnt even be bothered to send a "how are you feeling?" text my way, even though when he was sick, I went out of my way to surprise him with a care package of OJ, Epsom salt, ice cream and other goodies) and in my nose blowing, blood boiling rage, I texted his ass that we needed to get together.

Of  course he responded with "is something up? now im worried" to which I could only think 

is he slightly retarded?? Put down the joint, dude!

We agreed to meet up and at 3pm, I went over to his place and started to calmly explain my confusion and frustration (and mind you, this was only a few days after our FB comment, IM-ing, and texting spree, spending a great night together, watching movies, HIM trying to hold my hand and kiss me and hug me and giving me amazing massages and having good sex. HIM slow dancing with me in the dark to no music and saying adorable things to me, and offering to get breakfast in the morning, making me think we were okay after all and maybe our friends were right). 

His response basically began with the typical "I can't be a boyfriend right now" load of crap accompanied by an 'I think there are some things we don't see eye to eye on but don't see the benefit in disclosing what those things are because it's not like I want you to change anything about yourself'. Also a lovely spiel about how it's not like he can just say he's 'not into me' but there are things he's compromised in his past relationships that ended up being problematic later in the relationship and that there are some things he knows need to be there to make a relationship work that he's just not sure are there, but again, won't tell me what these things are.

When I asked why he bothered taking me out and why he acted so sweet and all recently, he said he thought he explained all of this to me several weeks ago when we attempted a talk. Uh, no dude. We tried to talk but ended with "soooo?? what are we doing then??" followed by no answer, rolling over, cuddling, kissing good night and sleeping in each other's arms. Nice try, though.

Meanwhile, he tells me we are great as friends, I'm fun, I'm hot, I'm smart, and he can't help but be attracted to me... soooooooooo this isn't going to work??

Now, forgive me if I'm wrong, but I was always under the impression that meeting someone smart, getting on great as friends, having fun together, and being attracted to them are sort of the things you look for in a partner and the foundation of a great relationship. No? Hmmmm...

He also had the NERVE to say he felt smothered by me! This was the point in the conversation where I went from calmly taking this all in, to OH NO HE DI'INT bitch mode!

Understand that after things started to go sour a month in, I'd go several days, even a week here and there without talking to him or trying to talk to him or seeing him. I made deliberate efforts to not be clingy or needy and to give him space. I would maybe throw an invite his way like "hey we're all going out tonight. You should come" every so often.  I guess that was too much. Im sorry I liked you and wanted to spend time with you every now and then. My bad. All I can say to you now, Dude, is good luck finding a girl who's cool with talking to you LESS than I did! 

After that bit, I was pretty much donezo with this dude but he went on to say "I might not be working tonight.. I'm scheduled but I might not have to work"... okay? He explained he thought it seemed like maybe there was more to be said. I explained there wasn't. I think I got it. I'm good. Good bye.

In conclusion, apparently, if you are smart and hot and funny and cool and you make a great friend, it just isnt enough. Those old stories of 'dating your best friend' and falling in love, throw them to the wind. When the going get's good, get gone. Well, that is if you're an emotionally unavailable 32 year-old selfish stoner with no concept of common decency or respect for the other person. 

Good move home dude. 

I'll talk to you in 3 months when you regret it and try to contact me again. xoxo