I'm good. I'm gone.

What is up with guys these days? and when I say "these days" I mean since the beginning of time.

Over the past several months, I had been "seeing" this guy (I put that in quotations because I think you have to actually see the person in order to call it "seeing someone", right?) anyway,

let's flash back a little...

several months back, Dude started contacting me. He seemed like a cool guy, bandmate of a friend, cute enough, funny, artistic, and hell, he was into me so that's a major plus! I was getting texts on a daily basis, even when he was playing shows at SXSW in Texas! He wanted me to come over almost every night, he came up with cute ideas like baking brownies together and going hiking. He'd slow dance with me in his dining room with no music playing, brought up taking me to Disneyland (my weakness) and even said things like "You're fun, I enjoy spending time with you, and I havent met someone I enjoy spending time with like that in a long, long time." ...yea I remember that verbatim because I was like, SWOON!

It was all so awesome. I felt so happy and alive. I loved his friends, my friends loved him, he loved them. I found myself missing him when we were apart, and I even got an "I miss you" from him. My personal telltale to whether or not I really like a guy is if I find myself staring at him, especially when he's asleep. No, not in a creepy, Single White Female kind of way. More like an 'awww he's so fucking cute, my heart is skipping beats' kind of way. Anyway, I totally liked him. You know that feeling when you just start spending time with someone and you're both having so much fun and you just want to freeze those moments and live there forever? It was like that for the first month or so. AWESOME!

And let's just clarify this now. It definitely was not just a booty call. This much I know.

Anyway, it all seemed great, wonderful, birds, hearts, rainbows... WOOPS!

Just around the one month mark, the texts stopped, the invites ended, and well the sex... um, let's just say, I was left very confused. It all happened literally overnight.

Of course, when something like this happens, it is natural to step back and think to yourself, 'what the fuck did I do? what'd I say? Did I miss a stray hair somewhere or fucking fart in my sleep?? '. I drove myself crazy wondering what I did, coming up with theories, asking my poor friends for their advice and opinions and even shedding several tears over the thought of it all being over and 

me having no idea why.

But then, we'd get together and POOF! All was fine again. He'd hold my hand, cuddle, kiss me, snuggle, just like month 1. This bipolar, good one day, bad the next week behavior became more regular than not and I was not too keen on the new "us". However, I decided to play the part of the cool girl who wasn't bothered by the fact that she probably wouldn't hear from you for several days or more after she walked out your door. But let's be honest, how long could that go on?

Of course I was starting to believe the probability of the fact that he was 'just not that into me' and I should just get the hint, but my friends (and his- mutual) seemed pretty convinced that he was, but that he was just scared and had his own personal emotional issues. Since this was what I wanted to believe, I continued to put in effort, despite his pretty shitty shut downs. ie:

me: hey I found out I'm off early tonight... come over and I'll make dinner.

him: that sounds nice but I have to work at 7am tomorrow 

and driving from my place to yours and back sounds stressful.

OUCH! 

You'd think Id throw in the towel then, but no.

I waited a good week, he left town, I heard not a word, he came back, I shot him a Facebook comment (harmless) we had a good comment sesh, IM chats, and even got some texting in! Progress! 

Ok, now back to current day...

So, this past Saturday, after much frustration and 'what the fuck is going on-ing', trying to Angela Lansbury the situation and failing at solving the mystery, I gave in. You could also say I hit my wit's end and started to get really fucking pissed off at the one day you like me, one day you don't bullshit!

I was sick (yes, caught it from him and no, he couldnt even be bothered to send a "how are you feeling?" text my way, even though when he was sick, I went out of my way to surprise him with a care package of OJ, Epsom salt, ice cream and other goodies) and in my nose blowing, blood boiling rage, I texted his ass that we needed to get together.

Of  course he responded with "is something up? now im worried" to which I could only think 

is he slightly retarded?? Put down the joint, dude!

We agreed to meet up and at 3pm, I went over to his place and started to calmly explain my confusion and frustration (and mind you, this was only a few days after our FB comment, IM-ing, and texting spree, spending a great night together, watching movies, HIM trying to hold my hand and kiss me and hug me and giving me amazing massages and having good sex. HIM slow dancing with me in the dark to no music and saying adorable things to me, and offering to get breakfast in the morning, making me think we were okay after all and maybe our friends were right). 

His response basically began with the typical "I can't be a boyfriend right now" load of crap accompanied by an 'I think there are some things we don't see eye to eye on but don't see the benefit in disclosing what those things are because it's not like I want you to change anything about yourself'. Also a lovely spiel about how it's not like he can just say he's 'not into me' but there are things he's compromised in his past relationships that ended up being problematic later in the relationship and that there are some things he knows need to be there to make a relationship work that he's just not sure are there, but again, won't tell me what these things are.

When I asked why he bothered taking me out and why he acted so sweet and all recently, he said he thought he explained all of this to me several weeks ago when we attempted a talk. Uh, no dude. We tried to talk but ended with "soooo?? what are we doing then??" followed by no answer, rolling over, cuddling, kissing good night and sleeping in each other's arms. Nice try, though.

Meanwhile, he tells me we are great as friends, I'm fun, I'm hot, I'm smart, and he can't help but be attracted to me... soooooooooo this isn't going to work??

Now, forgive me if I'm wrong, but I was always under the impression that meeting someone smart, getting on great as friends, having fun together, and being attracted to them are sort of the things you look for in a partner and the foundation of a great relationship. No? Hmmmm...

He also had the NERVE to say he felt smothered by me! This was the point in the conversation where I went from calmly taking this all in, to OH NO HE DI'INT bitch mode!

Understand that after things started to go sour a month in, I'd go several days, even a week here and there without talking to him or trying to talk to him or seeing him. I made deliberate efforts to not be clingy or needy and to give him space. I would maybe throw an invite his way like "hey we're all going out tonight. You should come" every so often.  I guess that was too much. Im sorry I liked you and wanted to spend time with you every now and then. My bad. All I can say to you now, Dude, is good luck finding a girl who's cool with talking to you LESS than I did! 

After that bit, I was pretty much donezo with this dude but he went on to say "I might not be working tonight.. I'm scheduled but I might not have to work"... okay? He explained he thought it seemed like maybe there was more to be said. I explained there wasn't. I think I got it. I'm good. Good bye.

In conclusion, apparently, if you are smart and hot and funny and cool and you make a great friend, it just isnt enough. Those old stories of 'dating your best friend' and falling in love, throw them to the wind. When the going get's good, get gone. Well, that is if you're an emotionally unavailable 32 year-old selfish stoner with no concept of common decency or respect for the other person. 

Good move home dude. 

I'll talk to you in 3 months when you regret it and try to contact me again. xoxo

I am sick of being sick!

So a couple of days ago, I woke up feeling like shit. My eyes were heavy and swollen and sinking into the back of my head. My throat was itching, my nose was dripping. Not a pretty picture. I thought at first, it must be allergies, so I dropped a pay check on allergy meds but when those didnt help and I only felt worse as the day went on, I knew I was alas, sick.
Normally, I might not mind so much as I could use being sick as an excuse to take a couple days off work and spend all my time in bed watching movies. But this time, I have friday and saturday off (it's not often I get a "weekend") and the weather is so awesome! It finally feels like summer time out there and I have to spend my treasured days off in bed feeling like shit, blowing my nose, coughing up phlegm, looking like a troll?! I want to be out hiking, or laying by a pool, or shopping, or throwing a pre-memorial day party or something! but no.
Im tempted to say "Fuck you, sickness!" and try to make myself look presentable enough to go out in public and take advantage of these perfect days off anyway, but I can't pretend like my body isnt aching and my eyes arent burning and my nose isnt a fountain of snot.
I dont even know a good remedy to get better fast, and it's not like I have anyone to cater to my needs and bring me soup or draw me a bath. (pity party much?)
whatever, bottom line is, i am sick of being sick!

I'm sick of SLOBS!!!

OK WTH???  WHAT THE HELL???  All I want to do is peacefully make my morning trip to the ladies room.  I just want to go handle my business so I can go back to convincing myself not to choke myself out at my desk.  Only to open the stall to find a URINE spattered toilet seat and a bowl of piss and used toilet paper.

Seriously??  How does this even happen???  You're a woman, it's not like you have to aim.  Is pee squirting out the side of your leg?  Oh no, it's just dripping from your oversized vagine that you didn't completely wipe dry.  Fantastic.  I mean, are you so busy you can't even be bothered to flush??  Let alone taking that extra millisecond to wipe down your piss droplets.  Clearly you do not have any regard for the next person who is forced to deal with this.  But don't you have a little shame???  Like, I SAW YOUR DISGUSTING ASS LEAVE THE STALL.  I know who you are!  I know YOU are so lazy you cannot even be bothered to WIPE YOUR OWN ASS.

What if that was your friend???  What if you just went to a dinner party at her house??

I don't even like BREATHING in public restrooms.  The mere thought of strangers and their excretions disgusts me.  It takes a great deal of mental stamina to give in to my physical needs.  And then this.  THIS!  I am now FORCED to change my internal clock to coordinate with Reuben the opera singing cleaning man's work schedule.

It's a sad world we live in when next to the "Please Wash Your Hands" sign we have to post a "Please Wipe Down the Toilet After You Flush It" sign.  And in the LADIES ROOM FOR HEAVENS SAKE!



  

I am so sick of my stupid job

Day after day after day, I wake up and spend several hours doing what, to most spectators, would appear to be absolutely nothing.  I lay in bed, do stuff on my laptop, watch TV, and eat. What I'm actually doing is physically and mentally prepping myself for the workday that lies ahead. No, I'm not in construction or the medical field but believe me, it is no easy feat dealing with the total twats I encounter all through my shift. So I spend my morning and early day uneasily watching the clock until the dreaded 2 O'clock hour rolls around. This is when I have to, against all my will, stop doing nothing and get ready for work.

It is amazing how I will be in a dandy mood all day, listening to my music, smiling, feeling pretty damn good, until the MOMENT I step foot in my hell- I mean workplace. That instant, that smile turns into a snarl, that good feeling washes away, and all I can think is, "I have to do something with my life".
I bitterly put on my name tag and clock in. I unenthusiastically walk over to my register and begin to pretend that I give a shit about the person on the other side's day, which I won't lie, I don't even really pretend I do. I robotically repeat  "Hi. How are you? Have a good one." when really Im thinking "Hi. I don't care. Get out of my face".

On occasion, I get a nice customer who I don't wish paralyzation or death upon, and they drag a smile or a laugh out of me. But for the most part, it is nothing but indecent, incapable, hideous, disgusting, disrespectful, rude,  incompetent excuses for human beings.  They treat us like we're hollow humans who don't deserve an ounce of respect or dignity simply because we are on the other side of the cash register. They walk in the store and without even turning their heads they ask, "where is (insert desired item here)?" to which i have to think, Jesus, did you even TRY??
I have to play guessing games, trying to decode their spanglish or armenienglish. "you have eet taco brrrread eeen chhhere? I get llast veeeek". WHAT?!
I have to teach them how to swipe their black credit cards or manually enter their probably counterfeited food stamp cards so that I can watch them undeservingly purchase the finer things in life and then "happily" help them to their BMWs.
I have to clean up the trash they leave throughout the store like an Easter egg hunt and look happy when they spend the entire transaction speaking to their blutooth.
Then I get complained about for things like "she told me this was an express lane" or "she didn't ask me how my day was" by these people who obviously have nothing better going on in their pointless lives and then get lectured about "being better" by one of my 20 bosses because they never stick up for us to these already self-righteous assholes. Again, I'm supposed to listen to them and admit to being in the wrong or apologize for my "ill behavior" because we are there to "win the customer over". Truthfully, I could give a fuck about them, they probably deserved the treatment I gave them, I'm not sorry, and I'm actually secretly flipping you off in my mind as well.

And it isn't just the customer aspect of the job that drives me to depression. It's more the fact that  I am not doing something better with my life. I'm always embarrassed to say where I work and what I do. I'm nearly 30, and this is all I have to show for it? I know that I'm talented. I know that I have the creative abilities to do better and do something I can say Im proud to do. Im so sick of wasting away at this mindless, stupid job while I see people my age or younger doing what I dream to do and loving their lives.
I suppose the fault is only my own. I need to stop bitching about it and do something already. But it's not that easy. Money, health insurance, security. Those are all unfortunate factors that stand in the way of leaping into my own business.
So I guess until I get the guts to make the break and take the plunge, I will continue to hate my job, dream of ways to get out, think evil thoughts about the trolls I deal with, and dread the 2 o'clock hour.
which is sadly approaching now...

No habla ingles???

I woke up this fine morning to see that the world had in fact not come to an end.  Birds were chirping, the sun was shining, and my obese black cat has been shitting.

No, no, not in the LITTER BOX.  Not in the litter box that I religiously slave over while fumes of ammonia threaten to blind me.  No, rather randomly, in the dining room on his favorite piece of carpet.

If he were to just be able to speak English, I feel like I could reason with him.  "Look Cat, if it weren't for me you wouldn't have anything to shit.  You'd probably be decomposing on some street in Burbank at this very moment."

"You're right.  I just have such low self esteem these days.  I'm so over weight, I can barely lick my own ass anymore."

"Well thank you for sharing!  I had no idea this was a self esteem issue.  I'm so sorry.  I feel partially responsible.  It was like a kitty buffet around here for awhile."

"It was.  And I know my lack of control is my own fault.  But when you brought that younger, cuter kitten in, I just lost it.  Who am I if I'm not the dominant cat in this household?  So, I ate my feelings."

"But that doesn't justify the piles of stinking doo I find IN THE DINING ROOM.  Isn't it instinct to cover your waste?!?!?"

"I know, I know, I'm ashamed.  I'm in this self deprecating phase in my life..."

Sadly, I will never know if this is indeed how my obese cat feels.  Instead I must play this guessing game.  I've purchased another, larger litter box (as I said he's gotten hippier in his old age), I've been more diligent about scooping, I purchased pheromone spray and a pheromone collar to help relax him if this is due to anxiety, I've taken the poo from the floor (gag btw), allowed him to smell it, then placed it in the litter box.  Is he trying to humiliate me??!?!?!

I've had dreams about this fat cat suddenly turning to me and uttering a sentence.  At this point I'd be okay with him speaking Japanese.  JUST HELP ME OUT A LITTLE BIT!

Jesus is coming... look busy

alright, by now we've all heard the rumors that the world might be ending tomorrow or whatev...

Here are my bits of advice on how to live your last 24 hours on Earth:

1) make sure you're wearing something really really cute and sleep in it so that if you happen to be one of the chosen ones, the rest of us will have to remember you by that super cute outfit left behind.

2) go ahead and have a fat day. dont count those calories or watch your carbs. chow down! go get that In N Out burger and super size those fries! And then have ice cream after that! If the world ends tomorrow, who the hell cares about that extra inch around your waist?

3) tell someone you love them. anyone really. tell your mom, your dad, your dog, some hot guy or girl you just met who's name you don't even know. just freaking say it, ok?!

4) dance. dancing is always fun so throw your hands up in the air and shake what your mama gave you. Maybe you'll be so in the groove, you won't even notice the burning planet around you.

5) make out! just go grab someone, anyone (preferably someone super attractive- i mean it's your last kiss, make it good) and shove your tongue down their fucking throat! 

6) just do it. Whatever it is that you've been fighting back and forth with in your head- you know, that "should I? shouldn't I?" you've been dealing with? whether it's texting that guy, calling that girl, cutting your hair, buying those shoes, JUST DO IT! the world's ending, what have you got to lose?? 

7) come up with the best Facebook status you've ever come up with before and post it at 11:59pm.  People will remember how clever and funny and smart you were. Oh, and make sure your default pic is a really good one, too.  

8)  listen to really good music. You don't want shit to go down and have some stupid song you don't even like replaying over and over in your head. Give your rapture a good soundtrack for god's sake!

9) have sex. obviously, be careful. don't just go whore yourself out and sleep with anyone. there's still a chance the world might not end tomorrow so make sure theyre hot and wrap it up. but, do it, have sex. if the world does end, you may as well go out with a bang.

10) be with your friends tonight. Whatever you do end up doing, do it with your friends. 'nuff said.

So there you have it. Go out and make the most of what might be your last day on Earth.

just make sure you can say with confidence, "It's the end of the world as we know it, and i feel FINE!"

I am so sick of being misunderstood

Ok so I'm weird and I make faces and I talk shit about people. I am blunt and I burp louder than any member of the male species. I only wash my hair once a week and wear dirty clothes that I pulled out of my hamper. I have a mouth that would make a sailor cry and I have a dirtier mind than any perv I've ever met, but come on.  I'm a catch!

I have bangs, I am really funny, I look great in fake glasses, and I'm working on my tan and my bod so... 

And I mean, I only talk shit about people who deserve to be talked shit about. What's so wrong with that? 

But so often, I get looked over or blown off or just freaking misunderstood because of all of these things and ya know what? I am just so sick of it.

Look at all the crazy whacky women of the world:

Lisa Lampanelli, Alexi Wasser, Fran Drescher, Lucille Ball, my friend Connie Garcia, Chelsea Handler and characters like Natalie Portman's in Garden State. They are are hilarious and hell, Id date them.

Who wants to be with "normal, nice" girls? they're boring!

Id rather have a girl who tells raunchy jokes and has good hair cook me dinner than some goody-two-shoes who's idea of a cuss word is "crap" hold my hand.

Come on!

I mean who's really out there trying to snag a girl like Amy Adams or Taylor Swift??

And so what if I have a mean sense of humor and I think stereotype jokes are funny and I get grossed out by fat people and I laugh at lesser fortunate people in ridiculous outfits. I'm a good person. I would go to the ends of the Earth for the people I care about. I will show up at your door at 2am with Pepto if you mentioned you have a stomach ache. I will buy you that little knick knack for no other reason than it reminded me of you. I will send you pix of me and my dog when you're having a bad day. I will make you a sandwich.  I will remember your birthday without the help of Facebook. I will make you something really cool in pottery class. I will tell you you have a booger in your nose or food in your teeth or that you look really stupid in that outfit. That's what real friends do. I'm a great friend and a great girlfriend and I'm actually very thoughtful and selfless when it comes to people I like/love/care about. It's the rest of the world I could give two fucks and a middle finger about. Is that so bad?

I am fun and I want to go on a hike or a bike ride with you. I want to go run through the sprinklers and do cartwheels in the middle of the street with you. I want to have a BBQ and go dancing and karaoke-ing with you. I'm more than just a dinner and a movie girl. BORING! Let's paint each other's toes in a park and get dressed up in our old prom clothes and go pump gas. WHATEVER! I don't care! Cuz I'm freaking awesome.

I know this, my friends know this, why can't everyone just freaking figure it out?! Im so sick of it.

I think the world needs to just relax, lose weight, stop wearing clothes that obviously should be burned and learn how to take a freaking joke!  All of the times I've gotten misunderstood and/or written off as just a mean hateful bitch, I've gone through the whole 'stop and rethink yourself, maybe you are and you do need to change' bs and you know what? FUCK THAT! 

This is me.

I've been this way for 29 years and I aint changin' any time soon!

Nor do I want to! I like who I am, even if I am a bitch.

And maybe I'll always be misunderstood, but only by the types of people I don't care about anyway.

So to the rest of the uptight, boring-ass, goody-two-shoes, fat, ugly world, I am funny, you're not, and I'm sick of you!

words of wisdom

no, they are not my words per say, but they are words I say 

-Alexi Wasser